We Aren't Together

So I came across this Thought Catalog post by Kirsten Corley entitled "The Ugly Truth About Getting Over Someone You Didn't Date" and I don't know but some lines just resonated so much within me, it sparked some sort of empathy and I wanna say "Girl, I've been through the same." It's not something as serious as what Kirsten described because I know for a fact that I do not love him but still, I invested emotions. I felt an attraction that is clearly more than friendship and I know that it isn't healthy since I am in a relationship with the best guy in the whole world.

The thing is, I have been hurting recently because I became close to this guy in this online community I am part in. I've been close to many guys, and since I am someone who tends to get very involved in a relationship, no matter what kind it is (may it be in real life or online) I know that I care more for the other person than he/she to me. It doesn't last and it hurts in the end but I don't know why I still do it. Anyway, this guy I was telling about is your typical 18 year old Austrian guy who loves games and is in an extended holiday. He's supposed to be in college but for some reason, isn't yet in college. I am not very familiar with the education system they have in EU anyway and from the little I derived from our conversations, I don't need to know the EU educational timeline to know that he's slacking off. 😂 He raves on about this idea he had and he does it somehow or starts doing something about it but wouldn't give the best effort. A month or two ago, he wanted to work on a civilian service project (a requirement for an Austrian) where he wrote a poorly-written CV and cover letter. I am not the best at making them to be honest but I have been in the industry where I check CVs and cover letter applications of students and I must say his were really mediocre. I helped him out a bit, tried to encourage him into at least making his photo on his application more formal and all those stuff. He listened to me as he does most of the time (which I'm happy about of course) and he trusts me enough to approach me a few times to edit something he wrote. It's nice, the relationship we had. He knows I have a boyfriend and he doesn't cross the line except maybe for a handful of times when he flirts with me, which he does with most girls so it's not anything special. I am also proud for not answering him back or flirting back when he does it but instead turn him down. It was good for my ego but of course, to be honest, it sort of flatters me too. Anyway, I also shared with him my plans for the future, a little about my boyfriend, my plans of working abroad. There were even times when I update him about what happened to this application I had, down to the interview until I finally got accepted. Oh, was he so happy for me. 😊😊 It filled my heart with joy. :) My other friends were also happy for me and also my boyfriend and my parents. I felt loved. But back then, nothing means more than him acknowledging me for my hard work. He's a self-declared atheist and he told me he prayed for me and it means so much. I cared for him too and I wished him all the best in all his applications and endeavors. We used to watch so much anime together and we even listened to music he listens to on Rabbit while he is on his games. Those were such precious moments. We even played a game together which I totally sucked in hahaha and he never asked me again after that. It wasn't so fun for me too so I guess it's okay. Also, we listened to his German rap music and then take turns so we can also listen to my Reese Lansangan. He told me about his psychedelic episodes. I believe his brain has been fried for his relentless use of drugs for 3 years. He stopped 8 months ago, he said. I hope he really did.

To describe what I feel for him is something that's taboo. Am I even allowed to have these feelings for him? This is cheating. I don't love him but me feeling this way and seeing him as a cute member of the opposite sex feels like I'm being unfaithful to my boyfriend. And to think that he's the third crush I have since I became more active online. I used to think I'm faithful, now that belief crumbles and I don't like it. What I know is this though; I like the feeling of being liked too and even though our feelings weren't really mutual in the truest sense of the word, I know that he trusts and respects and likes me to some extent. There are times when I miss him too like how Kirsten feels. Emotions and feelings were invested. Those aren't nothing.

Now, he has new friends. It's petty and we all know that our friends will always have other friends. It's trivial to think that I was discarded but I wonder why I feel exactly that. I wonder if I still have some hold on him, if a beckoning from me would still make him say yes when I ask him to watch something with me. It's not like that anymore and there was even a time when he just stopped texting altogether and I'm having these weird, so-not-me thoughts like, is it me? "Is there something I've done?" "What would I have done differently?" These irrational thoughts kept popping up and statements like "I want to talk to him" "I want him to stay." "I miss him so much" also linger. I wonder if he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. I don't know the answer to that but now, I know that I'm miserable due to overthinking. I'm feeling this way and he doesn't even have an idea. Smh. Okay. I need a distraction. Maybe I 'll work more, read more, do something I like like study a language. Not German of course. 🤣 Okay, can I do it? Can I move on? We'll see.


Update: I have moved on. :) haha